


The Gold Saucer Incident

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Action, Comedy, Gen, Surveillance, Theatre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:16:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: Tseng is sent to the Gold Saucer on a mission to collect intel on anti-Shinra elements. Things do not go to plan.





	1. Chapter 1

Another day, another Shinra briefing. Tseng sipped his coffee, wishing he were almost anywhere else.

"That reminds me," Rufus addressed the room, "I want more work going into creative executions. The guillotines are pathetic. It's not enough to kill them; everyone dies. I want them _terrified_. We had the right idea with the gas-- I want more of that."

There were nods, and notes scribbled on pads around the room. Tseng bet half of the attendees were just drawing the president's head on the block.

"And I want a redesign on the army uniforms. All this red, green, purple nonsense, like cartoon characters; it's even more pathetic. I want us to be _feared_. Black and grey. Get a fashion designer, someone who knows what they're doing. We want to make an impression."

Tseng actually agreed on this one, though not on the way it took precedence over all other social policy. He also idly wondered if Rufus had any vocabulary beyond 'pathetic'.

"Sir," blustered Heidegger, "the cost--"

"We're_ Shinra_!" Rufus looked at him incredulously. "Find a way." He turned to Tseng. "Now, you mentioned civil unrest?"

"Yes, Sir, in the Gold Saucer." Tseng had not been looking forward to this conversation. "They're angry at the Gambling Tax."

"It's their main livelihood, I suppose." Rufus flipped his hair. "Pathetic. I still think we should go for prohibition. Kill anyone we see at a roulette wheel. That'll sort the country out."

Tseng waited for Rufus to get it all out of his system. He glanced at the clock. Five more minutes until he could have a cigarette.

"Smoking, as well; filthy habit. Fine. I want you to go there, Tseng, and report on every anti-Shinra element."

Tseng was normally good at keeping his face under control, but he felt his eyes widen. "Sir, that's a lot of people."

"Hurry up, then."

*

And that was how Tseng found himself in Event Square, swearing under his breath as he watched the fifth rerun of _Prince Alfred and The Evil Dragon King_. He'd decided to start his surveillance operation with the theatre troupe, to get them out of the way. The members had organised an anarchist collective, which Tseng thought was a bit of a contradiction in terms.

His gaze drifted over the stage. They had dressed the Evil Dragon King up in several white jackets, and a ginger wing perched atop its crown.

"Oh, Evil Dragon King Valvados!" cried the wizard, who Tseng had to admit was rather good-looking, under the fake moustache. "You are wearing so many layers of black and white! Are you not roasting?"

"No!" cried the Evil Dragon King in reply; apparently these actors thought shouting and projecting were the same thing. "For you see, I am--" it turned to the audience, "_cold_ blooded!"

The man to Tseng's left crumpled with laughter. The rest of the audience chuckled along. Tseng wondered how much more of this biting satire he could endure. He considered fudging his notes, and spending the rest of the evening on the Speed Square rollercoaster, but he decided that it wasn't worth the risk of Rufus finding out.

_He probably showers in icewater..._

Tseng liked his showers hot, and he liked roulette, on occasion. But orders were orders. He reached up, reflexively, to straighten his tie, then remembered it wasn't there. He was out-of-uniform for this one. He had thought there could be trouble if anyone realised he was Shinra. So, he'd gone with dark trousers and a wine-coloured shirt; it was his favourite; he thought he looked damn good in it and he hoped there might be time later in the evening to find a handsome stranger who hated Shinra. There was bound to be _someone_ in the Gold Saucer who fit the description, and Tseng would be contractually-bound to conduct an undercover investigation. They might be harbouring terrorists in their bedroom, and they might have dangerous materials hidden under the duvet. One really did have to check.

"Oh, Evil Dragon King!" came another shout from the stage, now. "Why must you take all our gold? You have more than enough!"

"I'm just very stupid!" shouted the Evil Dragon King.

More explosions of laughter. Tseng gazed around the crowd, trying to distract himself from the godawful excuse for wit. A woman further along his bench, to the right, drew his eye. Her cowgirl hat with the yellow feather in the brim reminded him of the infamous smuggler, Chocobo Chole. Yes, he remembered that one well-- she'd pulled a heist on his carriage, _his_ carriage, in the Corel desert; he'd had to walk 6 miles on foot in the baking sun, her laughter ringing in his ears, his pockets light.

_"If we ever meet again, I'll kill you," _ he'd vowed.

But she'd barely heard him over her own cackles.

This woman to his right had the same green-blue neckerchief, the same thick brown plait, the same eyepatch--

He started. It _was_ Chocobo Chole!

He leaned to get a closer look, but the movement caught her attention. She glanced his way and gasped.

_She remembers!_

Someone shouted something onstange, but Tseng didn't hear it.

_Payback time._

Though he'd have to keep it lowkey, until he could get outside. He didn't want to blow his cover; if it came to a mass brawl, the odds weren't in his favour. For now, he just needed to restrain her. He rushed to his feet, as Chocobo Chole also sprang up.

"We have our volunteers!"

And then the usher was blocking the end of their row, beaming. "Please, come onstage! You're going to be _stars_!"

"What?" said Tseng. "No--"

"Don't be shy!"

Chole hesitated. Tseng rushed forward, grabbed her by the wrist. Her gaze flicked around, to the usher and back. Her whole body tensed. Tseng was puzzled, for a moment, why she didn't fight and make a scene, but then realised.

_Last year, she broke into the paddocks and freed all the racing birds! She doesn't want the Gold Saucer staff to know who _ _ **she** _ _ is, either!_

They stood, frozen. She looked at him with mild puzzlement.

_She's wondering why I don't arrest her on the spot._

"Ha ha ha," cried the Evil Dragon King, "I have just commissioned a very big mako cannon! For some of us have big mako cannons naturally, and some of us have to improvise!"

Tseng saw the flash of realisation cross Chole's face as she worked out the situation. She turned to the usher, forcing a smile.

"Right y'are, partner! It's the actin' life for me!"

Tseng couldn't let go. She dragged him toward the stage.


	2. Chapter 2

Tseng had survived many situations which someone with a gift for understatement might have described as 'tense'. He was intimately familiar with shootouts with stakes of life and death, having leapt into impromptu armed conflicts far more times than any sensible person would have thrown their hat (or grenade) into the ring. He could keep his cool in undercover operations where a single slip-up would get him killed, or perhaps dismembered. Yes, his day job was alarming, at best, and he was having a good week if he wasn't threatened with torture.

But he had never felt terror like this.

_No one can _ _ **ever** _ _ find out about today._

Tseng's mouth was dry. His palms were not. He could give presentations well enough-- read facts and figures to a roomful of ten-or-so people he already knew, summarise a powerpoint, at a push-- but _acting_? In a _theatre_?! He had once played the part of a piece of background scenery (‘blade-of-grass-#3’) in a primary school production, and the experience had not inclined him toward further thespian pursuits. The whole thing had ended in tears. As an adult, he had meticulously eliminated any parties that could remember whose.

He stood at the edge of the stage, as close to invisible as he could make himself, hand clamped tight around Chocobo Chole's wrist, ignoring the usher who kept prodding him in the back, trying to get him to stand in the spotlight.

"Please let go of her hand," muttered the usher. "The play doesn't work otherwise; the dragon needs to kidnap her."

"No," said Tseng.

"Aw, c'mon, sweetie." Chocobo Chole tried to wrench her hand out of his. "I promise I won't run away!"

Tseng said nothing.

The cast exchanged helpless looks. But they couldn't stop the show now. The audience had noticed the pause, and were getting restless. To Tseng's horror, someone in the wings managed to redirect the spotlight, so that it shone right at himself and Chole. He tried to get away, stepping further onto the stage. But the spotlight followed. Before he knew it, Tseng found himself in the middle of the apron, all eyes on him.

"And who do we have here?" the king boomed. He looked Tseng up and down, and gave an exaggerated nod, leaning back in admiration. "My oh my! So _you're_ the fine hunk of a prince who's come to rescue my dear daughter, princess Rosa?" He gestured at Chole, then leaned toward her, and said, in a stage whisper, "That dreamboat can sit on my throne any day!” He peered at Tseng again, and whistled.

The audience laughed. Tseng vowed murder.

The king fanned himself. “If you get bored of him, let me know!"

"Ah'm bored of him already!" said Chole, grimacing.

The cast laughed nervously, unsure if she was joking or if she and Tseng were in the middle of a fight.

"Now," said the wizard, a touch hurriedly "I'm going to have to ask you two lovebirds to break apart for a minute, because in this tale of shock and woe, the princess has been kidnapped-- yes, kidnapped!-- by the Evil Dragon King, and taken all the way to his stupid tower in Midgar-- I mean, his treasure lair. So please, good sir, let her go!"

"That won't be possible," said Tseng.

There was a pause.

"And this is why I love working with the general public!" The wizard beamed, eyes icy. "Okay, then! Well, prince Alfred has embraced princess Rosa at long last, but dragons have powerful magic!"

The Evil Dragon King waved its arms obligingly.

"The princess sickens under the curse!" the wizard continued. "The only way to break the spell is with..." He gestured to the audience.

"True love!" the audience chorused.

The wizard smiled. Tseng was irritated by how attractive that smile was. The wizard had no business being that attractive, not while wearing a stupid tinfoil cape and a hat made out of paper. Tseng was going to end up picturing the getup later, and it was going to make him feel embarrassed, and he thought that was rather unfair considering he was _already_ dying of embarrassment. But the hot wizard did not care. He nodded at the audience, paper hat rustling. "True Love! Exactly, exactly! O' happy couple, will you share a kiss?"

"Good _Lawd_ NO!" Chole jerked back. She had an expression of horror that Tseng had only once before seen on a human face, when, in the Nibel mountains, the Turks had been ambushed by a giant cave spider.

Tseng was put out. Not that he was interested, but there was no need for a reaction like _that_. "Do I not have enough feathers for you?" he asked waspishly.

The theatre troupe flounderd, panicked. They didn't know what they'd touched on, but they knew they did not want to know.

"O', frabjous day!" The knight rushed over to them, armour clanking. "It seems the curse has worn off, for the dragon is, as we mentioned earlier, really stupid, and he, um, messed it up!"

The Evil Dragon King keeled over. Its wig fell off.

"Congratulations!" the knight continued. "You may now leave our kingdom forever and start your own! Make haste, make haste!" He tried to gently propel them off the stage.

Chole's eyes widened. Tseng knew what she was thinking. Once they were out of sight, he'd be able to arrest her, and whatever came next. She was safest with all eyes on her.

"Oh," she gabbled, "But that's a shame, cuz I just got to thinkin'--"

"Come on, now, _darling_," said Tseng, pulling on her wrist. "You heard them." He gave her a slow smile. The fear in her eyes was gratifying. Once they got outside, he'd really give her something to fear. She'd rue the day she'd dared to humiliate him...

But the wizard was watching with a concerned look on his face. As Tseng dragged Chole toward the steps, he stepped toward them.

"Wait!" the wizard cried out, "Ladies and Gentlemen and People Who Reject Such Labels Entirely, we have seen how dearly Princess Rosa and Prince Alfred adore each other, with admittedly minimal tension and dramatic intrigue, but what can you do-- so we will now celebrate their undying love with a dance!"

"Wait-- what-- no--" said Tseng, but it was too late. The wizard grabbed his elbow. He nodded at the band. Then, with a grin, Chocobo Chole jerked her own wrist forward, and together they forced Tseng to join the folkdance.

"And-a-one and-a-two and-a-kick-your-legs-_high_!"

Tseng was pulled this way and that, his feet stumbling over each other, his torso twisting; he heard his shirt tear at the back.

"Higher than that, prince Alfred!"

Someone spun him round. He lost his balance and flung his hands out in front of him as he crashed to the floor. This broke his fall, but the damage was done. He looked up. Chocobo Chole was long-gone. All that remained was a single chocobo feather, which drifted down, landing on Tseng's head.

"Teach you to be controlling," muttered the hot wizard, so that only Tseng could hear, and he kicked Tseng on the shin. The cast pirouetted away, leaving Tseng alone on the stage.

Tseng knew he should get up. He knew he should walk away. But, just now, he was having trouble with anything other than silent internal screaming. At least nobody had seen--

"Yo! Tseng! Encore!" Reno was standing at the back of the audience, popcorn tumbling as he shook with laughter-- and the rest of the Turks were with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended listening: [ "Debut" ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUliWjI4zWM)


End file.
